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Adding Value to Conversations Vs. Taking Value from Conversations 150 150 admin

Adding Value to Conversations Vs. Taking Value from Conversations

I talked about this a little here, but I wanted to go a little deeper.

I first learned about this when someone on a YouTube video actually pointed this out, and I had a realization that I was doing what he was talking about.  He asked something to the effect of, “Are you asking questions just to keep conversations going?”.   At the time I was doing that, and it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks.  He went on to say when you ask too many questions without providing any statements, then it seem like you’re taking value away from the conversations.  These are like…interview-style conversations.  Those conversations aren’t bad per se, but you do need permission to interview, and it should be an appropriate setting.

Also, trying to fill all the empty space with questions can come off as needy and can zap the energy away from conversations because you’re displaying a need to keep the conversation going.  Why?  Sometimes silence is just what the doctor ordered.

When I realized I was the question-asker, I swung the pendulum the complete opposite way.  I started making statements all the time!  It worked really well for connecting with people.  When you’re telling other people about your past and interesting / memorable parts of your life, those are statements.  When you’re making judgements about things – “wow, this house is big”, “this car is amazing”, “this conversation is boring”- those are statements.

Even better than both of those extremes are calibration and skill in recognizing when to ask questions and when to make statements and when to do neither.  Discernment!  It comes from experience in many conversations.  You start being able to recognize what the conversation needs and you can start having these productive, dynamic conversations that keep people wanting more!

Social Connectors 150 150 admin

Social Connectors

Within recurring social situations, there’s something that brings everyone together.  I think of this as a social connector.  If that social connector isn’t there, people in the group might not relate to each other the same.  This could be a job, a membership group, a club, a living situation, etc.

I remember a good friend told me back in my brief drinking days…”ya know…if you didn’t drink, we probably wouldn’t hang out because we don’t have that much in common outside of it”.  I had to sit back and realize that he was right.  Without drinking, at the time, we didn’t have all the much in common.  Drinking was our social connector.

There would be lots of jobs I had, where I would make friends with coworkers.  BUT…if one of us got fired, or our contract ended or someone quit or we got other opportunities that we wanted to take advantage of, then things changed between us.  We drifted apart.  As much as we attempted to keep in touch, it was never the same. Spending 40 hours a week together + time after work is different than just spending 2-4 hours a week with someone or a group.  The job was a social connector, and if that didn’t connect everyone in the group, then the relationship would change.

I saw this with eating too.  When I decided not to eat sugar and flour, eventually many things became very clear to me.  The first thing I remember realizing was that I actually had eating buddies.  We would go out for the main purpose of eating junk food – as much as we could.  When I decided to give up sugar and flour, those relationships changed a lot.  We drifted apart.  Different restaurants and the willingness to meet at those restaurants were our social connectors.

I made very good friends in that group that helped me abstain from sugar and flour, and when I decided to leave those relationships changed.  We drifted apart.  It just happened.  We had meetings and our willingness to meet and find venues to meet in were like the glue that kept everything together.

In that food group, we were told many times to “wear the world like a loose garment”.

Don’t be attached to that connector and be open to letting it fall away or stay depending on what you want or need.  There are so many different social connectors and opportunities to connect now that we live in a more connected world.

Dynamic Conversations 150 150 admin

Dynamic Conversations

This is a correlation I see with music.  In conversations there will always be opportunities to take the conversations in great places.  In music there are opportunities to take music in different places.

Many times, in music it’s already written for you in the sheet music, but where they overlap is the improvisation.  To be able to improvise and take conversations and music in directions you feel they need to go. To have enough calibration and experience in both fields is a beautiful thing to watch.

I actually like Jamie Foxx doing this.  He can really think well on his feet and in conversations so you see him host shows and also do live piano while talking and having conversations.

There’s a different skillset with each, but being able to recognize what the moments needs is a skill I see in both fields.

I remember I would practice piano and my piano teacher would always say to me “you’re playing too fast” a lot!.  I was trying to show off my skills with how fast my fingers could move, but she would always direct me back to the sheet music and ask me …”does it say that’s how it’s supposed to be played?”.  She would point me to ff (fortississimo) or the pp (pianississimo) or the codas or the crescendoor decrescendo (This Wiki article on dynamics is pretty badass.   The point is that these are dynamics.  They bring emotion and tension into the music, and without tension there’s a problem.

The song Mary Had a Little Lamb has little to no tension.  It’s a simple song and after a while it gets boring.  On the other hand, Beethoven’s music has tension that lasts forever.  Classical music pieces are like in-depth musical stories.

It’s the same with conversations.  Have you ever been in a dull conversation?  Maybe people are lying.  Maybe it’s too smooth of a conversation and everyone is in agreement.  There’s no tension in the conversation.

A good solution is to inject some tension into these lame, tension-less conversations.  Call someone out on their BS.  Say something blunt and direct.  Talk in facts vs questions.  Change the subject.  Ask a group question.  Make a joke.

 

Creating Your Own Positive World 150 150 admin

Creating Your Own Positive World

If at some point you feel like you want to upgrade your social circle, you’re free to do that at any time.  You have so many options here.

Read or listen to some biographies of people you admire.  There’s many ways to do it too.  Many local libraries let you listen to audiobooks for free when sign up with Hoopla or RBDigital or Overdrive or Libby, etc.  You can sign up with an Audible subscription too.  Listen to some musicians you’re in to.

During this time of social distancing, it would be a great time to upgrade your skills and take in some new information.

At any point you can choose your energies you have around you.  If you feel like you can’t physically get the people you want in your social circle in there, then you can always listen to them.  You can listen to their books, or audio, or immerse yourself in their courses or videos.

Do not be a helpless victim.  You get to chose.  What would 10 hours of listening to positive audio or music do for you?  You have the power to choose who you want to listen to and what you want to get done.  If you love your results, keep listening to who you’re listening to in that area, but if you aren’t liking the results you’re getting in an area, try switching up who you’re listening to.

Time is going to pass by, and you don’t want the bitter taste of not having taken advantage of it.  Let all these positive resources you have available lift you up to a higher vibration if you need it.

Social Rules Still Apply During Social Distancing 150 150 admin

Social Rules Still Apply During Social Distancing

With social distancing, there will likely be more people connecting online than ever.  Social rules still apply.

Giving value to online conversations and valuing yourself still applies.

Looking to give vs get and seeking to understand vs trying to be understood still applies.

Starting up conversations and platforms for conversations to happen still applies.

Making the extra effort to connect with people still applies.

Being able to tell what conversations and communication needs and being able to provide that need will still hold weight.

Keeping the same energy online as you would offline still applies.

Finding the right people to connect with still applies.  To be honest, it was easier for me to find communities that had presence online that met offline anyway.

Your character will show no matter what, and you’ll still be able to use social skills.  I think it’s insightful to me to know that people who have a strong enough presence online can go from city to city across the world and still people know of them offline.

Take this time to make your voice heard and presence felt online.

What Do You Think About This? 150 150 admin

What Do You Think About This?

This post is about ways people of authority can turn your volume down growing up as a kid.

If there are too many forces that turned the volume down on your voice, it can lead you to believe your thoughts and feelings aren’t important.  Maybe it’s an older sibling that abused you.  Or a parent that repeatedly told you to shut up.  Or getting bullied or excessively teased.  If this has happened to you, know that I, Broderick Durisseau, am sorry this was done to you, and I think you and your voice are important.

At one point, I felt my voice wasn’t important.  Nobody cared.  I moved in with a friend and he became someone I looked up to.  While I was living with him, he kept asking me “what do you think about this?”  and “what do you think about that?”.  It was weird because up until that point, I felt my opinion didn’t matter.  Nobody was asking me what I thought about anything.  But I came around to the fact that my opinion was valued by him, and started becoming valued by his social circle.  I then found many other people who valued my opinion.  The solution was connecting with the right people.  People more aligned with my own values.  Turns out, we shared the value of intelligence.  We both had a low tolerance for dumb, circular, pointless conversations that led nowhere or didn’t progress at all.  I’m glad to have met him, and he really changed the trajectory of my life.

Make an effort to look for those like-minded people.  People who are in greater alignment with your values.  And if you’re feeling like you’re not being heard, play with the belief that someone needs to hear your unique voice.  Someone needs to hear a message that only you were meant to give.  Play with the belief that you and your opinion matter.  People really want to know what you think, they just may not be the people in your immediate orbit or family or current social circle.  Strive for greater alignment in the people you interact with from day to day.

When you find those right people, they will do the opposite of turning your volume down.  They will encourage you to turn the volume of your character up and express the deepest, most unique parts of you.  It helps you, it helps them, and ultimately helps us all.

 

Voice: 5 Ways People Can Turn Your Volume Down Growing Up 150 150 admin

Voice: 5 Ways People Can Turn Your Volume Down Growing Up

Do you have a weak voice or a strong voice?  Is your voice loud or soft?  Do the people around you encourage your voice or discourage it?  Are you able to recognize when someone tries to turn the volume of your voice down?

Expression is a key component in being human, and in humans voice is a key medium through which expression can occur.  It benefits us to exercise our own voice in a way that aligns with the highest good of all.  It’s also beneficial to encourage others to exercise their voice when it is in alignment with the highest good of all, and to discourage their voice when it’s out of alignment.

Think about how you grew up.  Did the authority figures in your life encourage you to exercise your voice?  Did they create a safe space for you to do so?  If you’re not sure, here’s some ways they might have turned the volume of your voice down.

  1.  Blatantly telling you to “shut up” too many times
    • “hush”, “be quiet”, “shhhh” are forms of this.   There are times where kids don’t need to be talking, but it shouldn’t be all the time.  There can be too much “shut up” by the authorities in your life growing up.
  2. Drowning You Out
    • Too much music being played too often?  The TV being on 24/7?   Maybe it’s even a person who talks non-stop and does very little listening.
  3. Deterioration of conversations
    • If there’s a conversation going along that could actually progress somewhere, there can be a person or people who purposely or inadvertently deteriorate the conversation by spewing nonsense / lies / bullshit.  Instead of actually putting in the effort to seek to understand what’s going on in the conversation and attempting to add value or asking to learn more, or finding another conversation more their speed and style to participate in, they take the easy, lazy and destructive way and come in like a bomb and blow the conversation up and diminish whatever you’re talking about with their bullshit.
  4. Endless arguing and debating
    • Maybe there’s a person in authority who likes to argue for no reason.  They see everything you say as an opportunity to spark up a debate.  After a while, it can become exhausting expressing yourself to this person, especially if you see these debates as pointless and circular.  Nobody changes their behavior or reaches a higher level or awareness or learns anything.  It’s almost as if it’s just wasted time.
  5. Creating or allowing harsh consequences for turning your volume up
    • doing things to oppose #1-4 could result in consequences that you might not want to deal with if you .  Speaking anyway after being told a version of shut up could have consequences.  Trying to talk over the things drowning you out could have consequences.  Creating a boundary between the person who blows up conversations with bullshit could have consequences.  Standing on what you know is right with the debater?  consequences.

I’ve been through all of these growing up.  If I asked why they did these things, they’d probably feel attacked and ultimately respond with some version of “you got off light, you should have been around when we were growing up” – and if they were to say that I’d believe them.  Everyone is doing the best they can at their level of awareness, and I believe the volume of their voices was turned down even more than mine was.  This leads me to ask how far does this go back with my family?  When I traced it back, it felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks when I landed at slavery.  When slaves were brought to America, their whole beings were muted and there were some of the severest consequences for turning the volume of their voice up.

As an adult I can establish much firmer boundaries with people who exhibit these behaviors, but it still makes me think about the kid growing up dealing with this.  I think about those kids who are keeping their volume low right now and how their volume will remain low right into adulthood.  I think about the adults now who grew up having to keep the volume of their voice low, and the consequences of that and how much we’re missing out on their expression.

If someone turned down the volume of your voice as a child, you could easily find your self in a job that reinforces that dynamic when you grow older.  You’ll naturally attract a job that puts you in that same position because it’s comfortable for you.  It feels more natural to you because it’s been repeated over and over.   You might also find yourself in relationships with people who do the 5 things mentioned above.

Of course, you’re free to change this.  You do not have to accept your volume being low and you can connect with people who actively bring out your voice and encourage you to express your authentic self fully.  That’s what the world needs more of.

How can you make your voice stronger?  Where do you feel you should amplify your voice?

Masculine, Feminine and Inner Child Energies + Sexual Polarity 150 150 admin

Masculine, Feminine and Inner Child Energies + Sexual Polarity

You can take social situations (two or more people) and sense what type of energy the situation needs – masculine energy, feminine energy, or inner child energy.  You can also look at your own life and see what energy is out of whack.  I also use inner child because even though children grow up to become adults, all people walk around with a child version of themselves inside.

Masculine energy / qualities –

  • Leadership
  • Structure
  • Order
  • Organization
  • Courage
  • Action
  • Authority
  • Logic
  • Protection
  • Reflection
  • Evaluation
  • Resourcefulness
  • Stability
  • Balance
  • Direction
  • Purpose
  • Penetration
  • Power
  • Strength
  • Dominance
  • Self care for strength and power

Why would the masculine want to go social: To produce / accomplish

Feminine energy / qualities –
  • Empathy
  • Connection
  • Emotion
  • Compassion
  • Tact
  • Caring
  • Sensitivity
  • Surrender
  • Attention
  • Beauty
  • Reception
  • Nurturing
  • Submission
  • Beauty
  • Self care for beauty
  • Radiance
Why would the feminine want to go social: To connect
Inner Child energy / qualities – 
  • Creativity
  • Fun
  • Play
  • Authenticity
  • Vulnerability
  • Curiosity and Wonder
  • Expression
  • Energy
Why would the inner child want to go social: To play / have fun

For example, let’s say it’s you and group of friends just talking, and you start to sense the conversation getting a bit stale and boring.  This might be a great time to suggest to go somewhere fun (child energy).  Let’s say everyone agrees.  Now more masculine energy is needed to provide organization and direction.  Someone might have to make reservations, maybe someone gives orders to people, maybe someone else takes care of how to get there through an Uber or driving everyone there.   You want to accomplish getting all the people to the destination safely and as quickly as possible with everything they need (masculine energy).  The whole point of this adventure was to connect and have a good time (feminine energy).You can also use these energies to look at your own life and see what energy is out of whack.Do you feel like you lack purpose or direction?  Is nothing really getting accomplished?  Do you feel like your life has no order or organization?  Your masculine energy is out of wack!

Are you isolated?  Do you feel like you have a lot of unmet needs? Do you feel a need to connect?  Your feminine might be out of whack.

Are you bogged down? Do you feel like you’re in a rut?  Do you feel like no matter what you accomplish it will feel hollow and empty?  Do you feel like your life needs more excitement?  Adventure?  This is child energy.

These energies all work in concert with each other, so if you want more masculine energy, you might look to feminine and/or child energy.  Let’s say you want more purpose or direction (masculine).  You might explore your curiosity (child energy) and research possible new directions that you think you’d like or that you feel intuitively called too.  You might connect (feminine) with someone who’s already been on a path you’re curious about to gain insights on their experience going down that path and inspiration to go down the same path.  If you ultimately decide to go down the new path, it could bring on a completely new sense of purpose and direction (masculine) – the energy you wanted more of to start.

The more you can go into each energy, the more you can recognize what each situation needs.  You become more confident in this sense the more you condition yourself to act on your own senses and intuition.

What is your strongest energy currently?  All they all well integrated?  What energy do you intuitively feel is off?  How can you bring in the other energies to balance it all.

Sexual Polarity

Yes – “like attracts like”.  If you are spending a lot of time in your masculine energy, you’ll resonate with and attract more masculine energy.  The same with feminine energy.  However, sexually the masculine and feminine work in polarity.  If you want to attract more masculine sexual energy in your life, go more into feminine energy, and vice-versa.

The same friend I met who taught me a lot of social skills, also was an inspiration here.  I saw women respond to him very differently than everyone else I knew.  Women were always around him everywhere we went, and they were always flirting with him and showing him so much affection.  He also usually had a girlfriend.  So…it inspired me to learn what he was doing differently than me or anyone else I knew.  It was the first time I remember being THAT inspired to take action on how to better to relate to women.  So I got into dating material and started reading pick-up material, audiobooks and listening to Youtube videos and experimenting myself – and it all led me to masculine energy.  All this stuff I was reading and listening to was just pointing me to becoming the best man I could be.  Duh.  Of course a woman in her feminine would be sexually drawn to a man in his masculine.  I had so many great results going that direction that I haven’t looked back since.

Here are a few additional notes:

  • These aren’t set in stone and these energies are always in motion.
  • Masculine isn’t necessarily linked with man and feminine isn’t necessarily linked with woman.  Everyone has both energies to some degree, but most men’s dominant energy is masculine and most women’s dominant energy is feminine.  For some, it’s less about the gender but more about the energy.