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You Have Permission to Feel Good 150 150 admin

You Have Permission to Feel Good

Boy…was it great when I listened to the commentary on The Secret DVD by Rhonda Byrne.  I can still remember her saying, “Do what you must do to feel good“.  So…at that moment I started putting everything through a feel good filter.

Did watching this television show make me feel good?  No

Did playing a video game make me feel good?  Yes for very brief moments, and it was like temporary ego highs.  There was no momentum, because I needed to get another high to keep it going

Did listening to music make me feel good? It depended on what I listened to.  If the song was angry, I tended to become angry.  If it was upbeat and positive that’s when I felt good.

Did having a clean house make me feel good? Yes

Did answering bill collectors calls make me feel good?  No

Did meditation make me feel good? Yes

Did listening to family make me feel good? No

Did mooching off the government with student loans make me feel good? No

Did helping someone else or encouraging someone else or saying thank you to someone else make me feel good?  Yes, yes, and…yes.

Eventually I started to do only things that made me feel good, and I became very clear as to what made me feel good and what didn’t.

I then tried to amplify what was making me feel good.  This, along with other messages in the movie The Secret, helped me get a grasp on my emotions.

You have permission to feel good.  Take a day and put things and people in your life through the feel good filter.

Does _________ make you feel good?  If not, find a way to drop it from your life.

How I Learned to Be More Expressive 150 150 admin

How I Learned to Be More Expressive

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Becoming more expressive was a whole process starting from being a closed off, introverted, quiet child.

Growing up

I was pretty closed off and quiet for a large part of my life because this is how I grew up.  When I was younger I was essentially raised by my mother and grandmother and they would always tell me to be quiet when grown folks are talking.  The problem was they were always talking!  Even when I would somehow find a way to get a word in edgewise, those words would be criticized or argued with or I’d flat out get told something like “don’t say that” or “stop talking back” or “be quiet”.  And also, they didn’t actively put me around other kids very much, so there wasn’t much expression there either.  There weren’t many kids in the neighborhood, and there was a very low level of trust with the few families who did have kids, so I was left quiet much of the time having to listen to a whole lotta adult talk about a whole lotta nothing.

I can remember my mother saying to me…”I’m not going to be ripping and running take you here and there to go play with other kids…you’re going to have to learn to be content alone”.  I’ve asked my mother about this, and she denies saying it to me, but I can remember the moment clearly because it was when I reached a level of acceptance.  I remember that sinking feeling in me when she said it.  At that moment, I internally accepted the fact that as long as I lived with this woman, there wasn’t going to be many kids to play with, and I probably get in trouble if I kept asking about it.  I felt pretty powerless to do anything about it at that point, so…I got really good at video games, reading, writing, listening, playing piano, typing, eating junk food>>>introverted things that didn’t require me to speak up or express myself.  I can actually remember being told to speak up so many times as a kid and as a teenager by other people outside of my family.

I say this not to illicit any type of sorrow or sadness or sympathy or anger.  I just want to highlight where this closed off attitude came from.  I never looked at it as closed off.  I looked at the situation as an ability to be content with myself, but as I grew older, I was overwhelmed with evidence that this line of thinking had a ceiling.  Being alone could only take me so far.

My mother’s behavior and grandmothers behavior didn’t come from thin air.  It came from how they were raised, and it’s a pathology that was passed down from generation to generation.  I also think this is where a dad would have helped.  Someone to counterbalance this and to validate the few things I would verbally express, but there was none.  I know for a fact from talking with him, his absence didn’t come out of thin air either.  Again, a pathology.

When Things Changed

Nothing really changed for me until I found the movie The Secret, which helped me with my emotions which then helped me get back in touch with and become roommates with a friend I initially met in high school who was the complete opposite.  He was very expressive in all ways.  He expressed his self through fashion, words, through actions etc.  A lot of his whole attitude of life rubbed off on me.

When we’d be in conversations with other people, he’d always encourage me to talk.  He’d say “what do you think?” and it usually went well.  So it made me feel like hey…maybe my opinion counted for something.

Then it moved to another level when I watched this video.  Especially when he mentioned Lil Wayne.  I’ve listened to Lil Wayne the rapper, and he always seems to blurt out what I deem as nonsense every now and then in his music.  BUT after watching that video I started speaking nonsense, and it actually worked and people responded well.

One thing I tried that blew my mind was walking up to people and just blurting out words that were on my mind and not sentences or complete thoughts like…fire, water, ice, house, sadness, move, etc.  One woman even told me “I don’t know what this is..but it’s turning me on!” lol.

Then it moved to another level when I went to CLW and met so many people that were more aligned with me.  I met so many of the “right” people.  They were interested in what I was interested in and focused on things I was focused on at the time – heart-centered work and making it sustainable.  It is when I realized I had to put forth the effort to seek out the people who were better fits for who I am.  If I didn’t, I’d have to settle with arguments, debates, excuses, defending my point of view, etc.  That takes a lot of energy that could be used more productively.

Express what’s on your mind.  Start small.  Sit in a reality where you know we want to hear what you have to say.  It’s more about the energy behind what you say.  People and reality as a whole can feel the energy you use to express yourself.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Forgiveness is Badass 150 150 admin

Forgiveness is Badass

If you have resentments with people from your past, know that this resentment is not hurting them, it’s hurting you.  Let them go…like a hot coal.  You’d be surprised how much energy you can spend in this emotion.

I’m seeing this with family after living with them.  As I learn more about their past, I learn why they did the things they did and why they passed things down to me that are crazy, and it becomes easier to forgive once I really walk in their shoes, or at least see things from their point of view.

Your job, and my job is to keep the good and discard the bad for the next generation and keep progress going.

Also note that forgive does not mean forget.  Don’t let your boundaries be violated continuously.  Set and enforce your boundaries, but let the anger go, and find meaning by helping others heal their resentments.

Deeper Connections 150 150 admin

Deeper Connections

I’ve been seeing people say that they want deeper connections. They say their connections are shallow and/or would like to have friends that they can talk about deeper things with.

If you want deeper connections, dive deep into an area that has lots of meaning for you. What do you care about?  What breaks your heart? What have you struggled with for a long time?  What do you see other people struggling with that you’ve overcome…where you feel you could help them get to the next step?  What is a shame you’ve had? What makes you cry?  Emphasis on the YOU.

I actually wasn’t looking for deeper connections, but I found people that I deeply connect with. And it happened like an avalanche. It happened when I dived deeper into the things that meant a lot to me. That’s where I found the depth and the deeper connections. I connected with people who shared a similar depth of meaning in certain areas. What means a lot to you?

The first time I felt I made some deep connections was at CLW. I met many who were into alternative means of income (besides a boring job), heart-centered work and creating a lifestyle that aligned with what they wanted because that’s what the workshop was centered around.  Everyone spent at least $500 to attend and most traveled their from other states or other countries! It was amazing to spend three days with people so committed to this vision. Heart-centered work and making it sustainable meant a lot to us.  It still makes me smile when I think about how we connected.

After that workshop was done, I felt having a healthier relationship with food meant a lot to me, so I jumped in a 12-step program for food addiction and got help there. I met people who were farther along in the journey and did such an amazing job in supporting me through my journey. As I learned more and more I was able to help others…like people had helped me.

Deeper connections mean that you connect with depth.  Where is there depth in your life?  There’s a good chance that what you really care about has depth.  Connect with people based on things you care about…your values…and you will find your deeper connections.

Voluntary Car Repossession 150 150 admin

Voluntary Car Repossession

About an hour ago, they towed my 2015 Dodge Charger from my driveway to some lot somewhere.

This car has been great to drive, but a pain paying for it and dealing with Chrysler Capital. I feel so much lighter today.

My payments were about $675 due to bad credit when I bought it. It was a decision made of desperation. I had been taking the bus before that in Dallas for a long time, and was just absolutely tired of the time it took to get from one place to another. Texas isn’t a great place to not have a car, and the test drive of this new car got me hooked.

In American Football, usually on a running play, the quarterback hands the ball to the running back to run. This is what I felt like I was doing with my paycheck. I was the quarterback and the bank that owned the car was the running back. If you need more of a visual, watch the video below and/or skip to 1:58 in the video to see this happen real time. The guy in the back is the running back, my paycheck is the football, and I am the quarterback in the front.

I just remember thinking that…every time we made that payment…either me or family who helped me out got screwed.

I literally look back and wonder how they even sold me this car. Looking at the numbers, I definitely couldn’t afford this car, which is why I put on a cosigner.

I’m taking responsibility for this bad decision and owning it, and the domino effect it caused.

Lessons learned? Avoid making decisions from desperation if possible. Look for more options. Don’t fall for the sleazy and dishonest sales tactics to get you to buy. Live within your means, but dive deep into the options of increasing your means.

Also, a big lesson I learned was to think bigger. When we signed the papers, I can remember wondering, “how can I keep up with these payments?” and trying to find a way to do that. And for the time I had the car, that’s all we did – keep up with the payments until we couldn’t keep up anymore. Now, I would think and focus on – how can I negotiate a low price and pay the car off in total at the time of purchase.

I also take responsibility for the people that sold it to me, thinking they got over on me. When they sold it, they were so happy. I could see this feeling of “gotcha!” on their face…like they were fishing and had caught one. While in the short term they profited off this individual transaction, it’s not going to look good for them in the long run. They further contribute to the bad rep car salesmen get. I can’t see myself ever looking at Chrysler Capital again in a positive light (more negative word-of-mouth). I’m reminded of the constant robot-like real humans that called me just to ask for a payment over and over and over again.

This was a source of shame, but writing about it has actually helped me. Hopefully it helps someone else!

How to get out of my head! 150 150 admin

How to get out of my head!

There can be a tendency to be stuck in your head – especially if you’re a really logical and analytical or if you habitually go there.

You know what I see people do? If there a person that’s stuck in their head and trying to figure it all out on their own you’ll see this a lot from them ? That’s a “roll-eyes” emoji, but I mean it more in the sense that it’s a look I see when someone is trying to think up a solution or a response instead of sitting with the feedback for a moment and responding from the heart.

This can lead to recurring problems that you can’t seem to solve. That’s because some problems just aren’t a good match to solve at the head level. And some problems aren’t a good match to solve at YOUR head level.

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” – Albert Einstein.

If you’re this kind of person, you might also feel the limitations of this approach. You might see people having way more fun and flow and having better results all around the board, and you look at this logically and it’s like WTF? How?

Head: logical, analytical, step-by-step, systems, equations, formulas, repetition

Heart: Fun, flow, creativity, teamwork, co-creation, funny, heart-centered events, deep dives, explorations, sharing, surrender and trust

Volunteering is a great way to get into your heart. Take a day feeding the homeless or helping animals. Have an intention to spend your time genuinely caring and having fun with others (flow).

Going to a heart-centered event. Something that would seem fun to you. Genuine. Fun. To. You.

Dive deep into your interests shamelessly.

Hanging out with other heart-centered people can help you shift too!

Feeling gratitude now can put you in a heart-centered mode.

Co-creating anything cool with others who have an intention to also create something cool…maybe a project or an experience or a group call or workshop.

Understand that I’m suggesting that you swing the pendulum here towards the heart – not leave the head out all together forever. Head is too great to leave out! ? ?

If you’ve been exclusively head, then switch to the heart mode. When you can get the head and the heart in sync and dancing together, there can be some magic! I’m talking Careless Whisper magic. Have some great sax like that song.

Stop making fun of me! A solution to handle being made fun of for being overweight as a kid 150 150 admin

Stop making fun of me! A solution to handle being made fun of for being overweight as a kid

The only thing that can make me cry is thinking of the experience of overweight kids today in school. I am curious as to how it is in schools today. Are there more overweight kids now? If there are more overweight kids, then they might fit in more. Since there is a lot of information available as to better ways to eat, are there less overweight kids because the parents are more aware? Or is this going in a worse direction? I don’t know because I haven’t visited elementary schools in a long time.

If their experience is anything like my experience, it can really effect them long term. During my elementary years in school, all the teasing just made me just want to isolate myself from everyone. I couldn’t stand going to school.  I was angry at being forced to have to keep going. I gravitated towards eating because it was at least some pleasure I could experience without thinking about being made fun of. I could at least let my guard down around food.  I played a lot of basketball in my own driveway with my basketball goal, because playing basketball at school I was made fun of more. I didn’t ever find a satisfactory solution in school either…as in…one that seemed aligned with what felt right to me.

I also felt pretty powerless to change my weight. I just wanted to be a normal-sized kid and have a great time, but that was definitely not my experience. There were some horrifically bad experiences, and many of the bad experiences of overweight kids that are used for entertainment in TV shows and movies are true. Being in PE and just not being able to do any exercise that most other kids were doing easily. Going to doctors offices and having them embarrass me and not give me any real solutions when they were paid to do this. Not being able to fit in clothes and not knowing what weight I was going to be.

I dreaded school because I was always getting made fun of.  I used to try to hide from all the ridicule and be on the lookout for it. Looking back that actually made it worse, and it was exhausting. I’m glad I didn’t try to go and learn all these insults to go back and forth. It would have never ended and been futile. There are so many fat jokes it’s ridiculous. I might have had to be a Kevin Hart kind of person and build up this library of insults. Think about the amount of people I’d have to bring down to make myself good at the art of “being funny”.

Fights

Since I wasn’t as good with words, I did end up fighting a lot. These results weren’t good either! If someone was hurling insults at me, and I wanted them to stop and they wouldn’t, I would punch them. A fight usually followed that got everyone else hyped up, and if I won the fight it might make them stop with the insults, but it just ignited more fights elsewhere. Other people would see and say “I bet you can’t beat me!” and bam! another instant fight I was scheduled for. It also led to resentment from the loser and this bad feeling that I carried around until it died down. It’s like my ego was gratified, but there was always this inner voice saying that wasn’t the right thing to do. And that’s just if I won the fight. I lost fights too, and it really started to hit home that this way of dealing with ridicule and teasing was not the best way to go. I started losing a lot more fights as people started actually training in middle school for sports, so that meant I would have to train to become stronger and faster as well. I felt like this would be a never-ending cycle if I wanted to solve this problem this way. I couldn’t fight the whole world unless I wanted to take my life in that direction and become a professional fighter or something. That decision would have been purely reactive though – not a conscious one I sat down and made a decision about, but one that was just reacting to being insulted.

What would I say to the “young me” now? (or any kid going through this)

If I were to have a conversation with the young me, I’d say to not resist it. Don’t hide from it. Accept it and keep moving. Give it the least attention as possible. Maybe even call it out from that person…say something like “I don’t want to make fun of you and bring you down to build myself up like you’re doing to me” and stand on that. Don’t lower your consciousness. Don’t contract – expand! Make that person and others aware of their actions, and expose it as much as possible. Refuse to play the game of going back and forth with insults. Invest in other people and volunteer to help them. Instead of contracting and trying to hide from the ridicule, take responsibility for it and lift other people up. Maybe even lift that person up that ridiculed you. If he’s bringing you down with hurtful insults and teasing for no reason, chances are things aren’t going so well for him. Swing the pendulum towards investing in others. I might even say do volunteer work outside and/or inside of school.

That’s a lot to ask of a kid, and it’s very counterintuitive, but I think that approach would have garnered a lot less ridicule and much more respect and support and would have built some great habits that would have served me throughout the rest of my life.

I feel like “blah” 150 150 admin

I feel like “blah”

I remember telling my 12-step program sponsor one day (who I talked to every day at 6:30 AM) that I was feeling apathetic. It was like this “blah” feeling about life. Things were going well, pretty much all around the board, but I was feeling very empty and disinterested. She said something that was a shift in how I view being apathetic.

Up until that point I thought apathy was the absence of feelings. Even the definition lends itself to that way of thinking.

The dictionary defines apathy as lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

But she told me, “maybe you’re feeling and thinking so much that you’re overwhelmed”.

That was actually an answer that felt very right! Viola! It was like I overloaded the system mentally and emotionally. I remember I had a lot going on at that time as well. Good things, but just many responsibilities and moving parts to pay attention to.

If that “blah” feeling was an absence of feelings, like I initially thought, then that would have actually been a great thing. It’s like a meditative state. Like 0. You’re in an open state for things to come through you, and for you to be the watcher, watching them flow through you.

Have you been feeling “blah” about life? Maybe it’s just overwhelm. Try some meditation (turning your mind off for a bit). I’m not saying that apathy = overwhelm…I am saying that it’s another perspective, another lens to look through.

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