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Make it Social 150 150 admin

Make it Social

There was a time when I used to do most things alone.  I didn’t feel lonely, or a loner or any other negative label people associate with doing things alone.  It was just normal to me.  This was until I met someone who was the opposite.  He hated doing anything alone, and he needed someone around and would go so far as to beg people to do activities with him.  Somehow, it didn’t come from a needy place either.

This was so strange to me, but it made a permanent imprint on me.  I took on some of those habits and still keep em in the back pocket.  They’re so useful on the social side.  He made me feel included, and from then on I thought…”hey, if this is making me feel included, I’m sure other people would like to feel this way too”.

If you’re a person who spends a lot of time alone, consider stretching yourself and inviting other people to do activities with you that you’d normally do alone.  You’ll get that yes and you’ll also get objections if you do this enough.  Then you go through objection handling (in sales this means having a solid answer to resolve the objection).  Then viola!  You are doing an activity that was meant to be solo with another person or other people!

Gratitude is Badass 150 150 admin

Gratitude is Badass

Here’s another concept you wouldn’t think to put under the badass category…but isn’t it badass to appreciate what you have now?

Or have we been conditioned to always look for what’s shiny and new.  When we get it, the 🙂 wears off and we’re chasing another high.  Why?

Appreciate what you have now.  Take care of what you have now and watch it grow.  Keep that same energy.  That’s how you’ll create a badass life.  Other people, other resources will be drawn to that energy.   People will see you care for the people in your social circle and want to be a part of it.

Adding Value to Conversations Vs. Taking Value from Conversations 150 150 admin

Adding Value to Conversations Vs. Taking Value from Conversations

I talked about this a little here, but I wanted to go a little deeper.

I first learned about this when someone on a YouTube video actually pointed this out, and I had a realization that I was doing what he was talking about.  He asked something to the effect of, “Are you asking questions just to keep conversations going?”.   At the time I was doing that, and it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks.  He went on to say when you ask too many questions without providing any statements, then it seem like you’re taking value away from the conversations.  These are like…interview-style conversations.  Those conversations aren’t bad per se, but you do need permission to interview, and it should be an appropriate setting.

Also, trying to fill all the empty space with questions can come off as needy and can zap the energy away from conversations because you’re displaying a need to keep the conversation going.  Why?  Sometimes silence is just what the doctor ordered.

When I realized I was the question-asker, I swung the pendulum the complete opposite way.  I started making statements all the time!  It worked really well for connecting with people.  When you’re telling other people about your past and interesting / memorable parts of your life, those are statements.  When you’re making judgements about things – “wow, this house is big”, “this car is amazing”, “this conversation is boring”- those are statements.

Even better than both of those extremes are calibration and skill in recognizing when to ask questions and when to make statements and when to do neither.  Discernment!  It comes from experience in many conversations.  You start being able to recognize what the conversation needs and you can start having these productive, dynamic conversations that keep people wanting more!

Social Connectors 150 150 admin

Social Connectors

Within recurring social situations, there’s something that brings everyone together.  I think of this as a social connector.  If that social connector isn’t there, people in the group might not relate to each other the same.  This could be a job, a membership group, a club, a living situation, etc.

I remember a good friend told me back in my brief drinking days…”ya know…if you didn’t drink, we probably wouldn’t hang out because we don’t have that much in common outside of it”.  I had to sit back and realize that he was right.  Without drinking, at the time, we didn’t have all the much in common.  Drinking was our social connector.

There would be lots of jobs I had, where I would make friends with coworkers.  BUT…if one of us got fired, or our contract ended or someone quit or we got other opportunities that we wanted to take advantage of, then things changed between us.  We drifted apart.  As much as we attempted to keep in touch, it was never the same. Spending 40 hours a week together + time after work is different than just spending 2-4 hours a week with someone or a group.  The job was a social connector, and if that didn’t connect everyone in the group, then the relationship would change.

I saw this with eating too.  When I decided not to eat sugar and flour, eventually many things became very clear to me.  The first thing I remember realizing was that I actually had eating buddies.  We would go out for the main purpose of eating junk food – as much as we could.  When I decided to give up sugar and flour, those relationships changed a lot.  We drifted apart.  Different restaurants and the willingness to meet at those restaurants were our social connectors.

I made very good friends in that group that helped me abstain from sugar and flour, and when I decided to leave those relationships changed.  We drifted apart.  It just happened.  We had meetings and our willingness to meet and find venues to meet in were like the glue that kept everything together.

In that food group, we were told many times to “wear the world like a loose garment”.

Don’t be attached to that connector and be open to letting it fall away or stay depending on what you want or need.  There are so many different social connectors and opportunities to connect now that we live in a more connected world.

Dynamic Conversations 150 150 admin

Dynamic Conversations

This is a correlation I see with music.  In conversations there will always be opportunities to take the conversations in great places.  In music there are opportunities to take music in different places.

Many times, in music it’s already written for you in the sheet music, but where they overlap is the improvisation.  To be able to improvise and take conversations and music in directions you feel they need to go. To have enough calibration and experience in both fields is a beautiful thing to watch.

I actually like Jamie Foxx doing this.  He can really think well on his feet and in conversations so you see him host shows and also do live piano while talking and having conversations.

There’s a different skillset with each, but being able to recognize what the moments needs is a skill I see in both fields.

I remember I would practice piano and my piano teacher would always say to me “you’re playing too fast” a lot!.  I was trying to show off my skills with how fast my fingers could move, but she would always direct me back to the sheet music and ask me …”does it say that’s how it’s supposed to be played?”.  She would point me to ff (fortississimo) or the pp (pianississimo) or the codas or the crescendoor decrescendo (This Wiki article on dynamics is pretty badass.   The point is that these are dynamics.  They bring emotion and tension into the music, and without tension there’s a problem.

The song Mary Had a Little Lamb has little to no tension.  It’s a simple song and after a while it gets boring.  On the other hand, Beethoven’s music has tension that lasts forever.  Classical music pieces are like in-depth musical stories.

It’s the same with conversations.  Have you ever been in a dull conversation?  Maybe people are lying.  Maybe it’s too smooth of a conversation and everyone is in agreement.  There’s no tension in the conversation.

A good solution is to inject some tension into these lame, tension-less conversations.  Call someone out on their BS.  Say something blunt and direct.  Talk in facts vs questions.  Change the subject.  Ask a group question.  Make a joke.

 

Creating Your Own Positive World 150 150 admin

Creating Your Own Positive World

If at some point you feel like you want to upgrade your social circle, you’re free to do that at any time.  You have so many options here.

Read or listen to some biographies of people you admire.  There’s many ways to do it too.  Many local libraries let you listen to audiobooks for free when sign up with Hoopla or RBDigital or Overdrive or Libby, etc.  You can sign up with an Audible subscription too.  Listen to some musicians you’re in to.

During this time of social distancing, it would be a great time to upgrade your skills and take in some new information.

At any point you can choose your energies you have around you.  If you feel like you can’t physically get the people you want in your social circle in there, then you can always listen to them.  You can listen to their books, or audio, or immerse yourself in their courses or videos.

Do not be a helpless victim.  You get to chose.  What would 10 hours of listening to positive audio or music do for you?  You have the power to choose who you want to listen to and what you want to get done.  If you love your results, keep listening to who you’re listening to in that area, but if you aren’t liking the results you’re getting in an area, try switching up who you’re listening to.

Time is going to pass by, and you don’t want the bitter taste of not having taken advantage of it.  Let all these positive resources you have available lift you up to a higher vibration if you need it.

The Role of Feedback 150 150 admin

The Role of Feedback

When you’re doing creative projects, it’s important to get feedback along the way.  Feedback helps you change course if necessary.  It helps you align your creative projects with what people want.  It shows you ways you can improve.  It gives you ideas.  It can give you inspiration.  Constructive feedback helps everyone.

Constructive feedback fosters alignment between what people engaged with your creative work want and what you can provide which then allows things to flow.  It’s hard to get into a flow in isolation.

My first blog, Yougotdunkedon.com, was mentioned on ESPN’s First Take, ESPN Radio, and in Sports Illustrated Magazine here.  It’s an archive of people getting dunked on.   In the early days it was pretty much lost in the vast ocean of sports blogs.  It was a ghost town, but the feedback is what kept me going.  I was an active member on one forum, and I’d put the link in my signature and every now and then someone would send me messages saying “nice blog!” or “cool site” or “this is sick!” (meaning they liked it).  I also got feedback that people wanted the blogs arranged by the person who got dunked on as well as the person who did the dunking.  I didn’t know how to implement it back then, but I probably could and would now.

With that blog, once I started putting more efforts into marketing and reaching out to people to exchange links, it started to rank super high in the search engines (#2 for the word “dunked” behind Wikipedia).  Then I started getting a different type of feedback.  People started linking to my site…a lot.  That feedback meant a lot to me.  These were people who knew nothing about me, but that thought the content was valuable enough to share with other people.  I’d see links everywhere, to the point where it pretty much was normal.

One of the biggest eye-openers was when I built an email list for another project.  The feedback there was great!  I built the email list up to 3700 people, and I would just email them asking them what they wanted to see and some ideas.  They were lots of written responses all anonymous and pretty in depth.  I sent out a vote and lots of people voted.  It made things so much easier.  I had more direction and I didn’t feel like I was creating in a vacuum.  I didn’t feel like what I was creating would fall flat because they told me what they wanted.

People will tell you what they want – just ask.  Or look at what they’re buying already.  That’s a clear indicator of what they want.  You can even look at reviews on what people are buying and see the objections people have.  If you see a common objection that you can address – bam there you go.

There are times where people don’t know what they want.  If you can give people something they don’t even know they want but that would be awesome for them?  omg you’ve hit gold.  To me, this was the iPhone when it came out.  It wasn’t like anything else before it.

There is feedback everywhere.  You just have to look for it.

If you want more feedback give it.  It’s been said that you get what you give.  Give lots of feedback to other people’s creative projects and you’ll find that energy returns back to you.

Social Rules Still Apply During Social Distancing 150 150 admin

Social Rules Still Apply During Social Distancing

With social distancing, there will likely be more people connecting online than ever.  Social rules still apply.

Giving value to online conversations and valuing yourself still applies.

Looking to give vs get and seeking to understand vs trying to be understood still applies.

Starting up conversations and platforms for conversations to happen still applies.

Making the extra effort to connect with people still applies.

Being able to tell what conversations and communication needs and being able to provide that need will still hold weight.

Keeping the same energy online as you would offline still applies.

Finding the right people to connect with still applies.  To be honest, it was easier for me to find communities that had presence online that met offline anyway.

Your character will show no matter what, and you’ll still be able to use social skills.  I think it’s insightful to me to know that people who have a strong enough presence online can go from city to city across the world and still people know of them offline.

Take this time to make your voice heard and presence felt online.